Do You Forgive Me? Should I Forgive You? The Concept of Mechilah

Growing up, before Yom Kippur, our teachers would remind us that we need to ask each other forgiveness.  Yom Kippour is a Day of Atonement for sins between people and God, but we each must ask those we may have wronged for forgiveness. This led to what I call the “Are you mocheil me? I am mocheil you” exchange. It may have been a little formulaic, but this was the most effective and fastest way to ask for forgiveness from people – especially so as to avoid getting bogged down with whatever the specific transgression was and to say it aloud.

We refer to Yom Kippur as a day of selichah, mechilah, and kapparah – forgiveness, pardon, and atonement. What’s the difference between these terms?

Forgiveness is granted for sins committed by mistake. Pardon is granted for sins committed on purpose. Atonement is the wiping away of any vestige of sin; we get a clean slate. Kapparah is the unique purpose of Yom Kippur. We should always try to correct our mistakes or misdeeds. On Yom Kippur, we have the special privilege of being granted atonement if we utilize the day properly.

I’d like to explore the concept of mechilah a little more deeply.

In addition to being examined in connection with Yom Kippur, the Talmud discusses mechilah in the context of damages. The Mishnah in Bava Kamma (92a) states:
 

Despite the fact that the assailant who caused damage gives to the victim all of the required payments for the injury, his transgression is not forgiven for him in the heavenly court until he requests forgiveness from the victim…And from where is it derived that if the victim does not forgive him that he is cruel? As it is stated: “And Abraham prayed to God; and God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bore children” (Genesis 20:17).

It is not enough to compensate the injured individual. One must ask for mechilah. The Gemara expands on this:

The Sages taught: All these sums that in the previous mishna they said one is liable to pay for humiliating another are the compensation for his humiliation, for which there is a set amount. But for the victim’s pain caused by the assailant, even if the assailant brings as offerings all the rams of Nebaioth (see Isaiah 60:7) that are in the world, which are of the best quality, his transgression is not forgiven for him in the heavenly court until he requests forgiveness from the victim…

Rashi explains that one needs to be explicitly pardoned since the victim continues to worry and feel aggrieved about their suffering. One must ask for forgiveness because of the pain the victim feels at present.

Rabbi Menachem Meiri understands the need to explicitly ask for forgiveness is because of the pain felt at the time of the injury. Asking for forgiveness is required for what was felt in the past and not related to the victim’s present state.

This presents us with two models of mechilah.

1.      According to Rashi, asking for forgiveness is to alleviate the victim’s current state of discomfort and to alleviate their present emotional state. Mechilah is a form of emotional reconciliation.

2.      According to the Meiri asking for forgiveness is a form of compensation for the past. Mechilah is a form of repayment for a debt.

This leads to some interesting questions which may impact whether one must actually ask for mechilah. For example:

       1)  Does one need to apologize for anguish that has been forgotten?

-         2)  Is forgiveness effective if the victim expresses absolution, but does not genuinely feel it? 

-        3)  What if a victim forgives quickly for a semi-forgotten offense, and then later regrets, after recalling the acute pain that was felt?

-       4)  What if forgiveness was granted under false pretenses? For example, what if one claims an intentional slight was unintended? 

-        5)  what if the victim grants a perfunctory, general mechilah (like described at the beginning of this article) in response to an unspecific request, not realizing that the perpetrator actually committed a genuine offense, for which significant appeasement would be needed?

All of the above scenarios can be analyzed using the views of Rashi and Meiri.

At the end of the day – or, more accurately, by the time Yom Kippur ends, we learn from mechilah that we must take our interpersonal interactions seriously. If Jewish law is willing to analyze mechilah so deeply, it behooves us to fully examine our past interactions and resolve to make them as positive as possible.