Carry On Wayward Son

Whenever I hear the song by Kansas, I think of the ben sorer u’moreh, the rebellious child. While the song is not religious and the lyrics have nothing to do with the Torah’s account, I just feel that “wayward” is a better way to describe the child than rebellious, and I like the music.

The text (Devarim 21:18-21) does not provide very many details. There is a child not listening to their parents. The parents discipline the child to no avail. They tell the elders that the child is disobedient as well as a glutton and drunkard, and the child is executed by stoning as a cautionary tale. If this sounds strange, the Talmud (Sanhedrin 71a) delves more deeply into detailed conditions so unlikely that there never was such a case. Why, then, does the Torah teach it?

D’rosh v’kabel s’char – We are to study this issue and be rewarded with the lessons we learn from this exploration.

What lesson? Essentially, the ben sorer u’moreh scenario highlights the importance of moderation, discipline, and communication. These are key ingredients in parenting as well as any relationship.

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 88a) teaches that if the parents forgive their rebellious child, then the child is forgiven, and no punishment is meted out. Rabbi Shmuel Borenstein, in his Shem Mi’Shmuel, asks a very fundamental question. We are ready to execute the rebellious child for his sins even if – let’s be honest – they’re not so terrible. We are so worried about what the child will ultimately become that we take drastic, preventative action. And you want to tell me that if the parents are willing to excuse and forgive their child that he is now off the hook?! That’s ridiculous! What role should parents’ forgiveness play in such a case? If the situation is so dire that we’re ready to execute the child, it would seem like we’re well past parental forgiveness.

Rabbi Borenstein explains that the ben sorer u’moreh is executed because of what he may become only when he has no positive parental influence. If, however, he has parents who are willing to forgive, this demonstrates that all is not yet lost. Ben sorer u’moreh may not be a realistic scenario, but it teaches a positive influence and a caring relationship can make all the difference.

A boy from Bnei Brak strayed from his religious upbringing and became engaged to a non-Jewish girl. His cousin was quite upset but was unable to convince him to break off the engagement. He did, however, convince him that he should break the news to his parents in person. He agreed and told his parents he was coming home for Shabbat, but they shouldn’t expect him to observe Shabbat just because he was coming home. He did his own thing – listened to his music, smoked on the porch. He planned to break the news after Shabbat. 

On Shabbat afternoon, his father invited him to join him for a shiur given by Rabbi Aharon Leib Shteinman, one of the leading rabbis of the community. Surprisingly, the son agreed to go. Afterwards, they approached Rav Shteinman to say good Shabbos, and the father informed the rabbi that, unfortunately, his son is no longer observant.

Rav Shteinman looked at the young man and asked, “How long has it been since you were observant?” He answered, “Two years.”

“And during that time, did you ever think about repenting?”

"Yes. Four times."

“How long did these thoughts last?”

“Approximately 10 minutes each time.”

“Ah. This means that for 40 minutes over the last 2 years you would be considered a bal teshuvah, a penitent person, who is on a higher spiritual level than even the righteous. I am envious of your spiritual level. Good Shabbos.”

The young man went back home, and Rav Shteinman's words left him no peace. He ultimately broke off his engagement and began to return to tradition.

But why did this young man agree to go with his father to Rav Shteinman’s class in the first place?

He answered by recounting a story from fourth grade.

“My class went to be tested by Rav Shteinman. Our teacher requested that the rabbi ask the boys easy questions so they would be able to answer. That’s what happened. The rabbi asked each boy an easy question, and they each answered and received a candy as a reward. The rabbi asked me a question, and I didn’t know the answer. This happened a second and third time, but I still didn’t know the answer. I was the only boy without a candy. As we were leaving, Rav Shteinman called me over and said, ‘In Torah and Judaism, we reward effort, not results. Your fellow students put in effort for one question, so they got one candy. You tried three times, so I am giving you three candies.’

“That interaction in fourth grade is why I went to Rav Shteinman’s class with my father.”

A genuine, engaged, caring relationship can make all the difference. It might save the ben sorer u’moreh from death. It might lead someone back into the fold. It helps each of us carry on.