Becoming Who We Really Are

Kol Nidrei is the most famous service in Judaism.

Jews who rarely attend synagogue make every effort to be there. There’s electricity in the air. The Torah scrolls are removed, and then the chazzan begins that haunting melody.

Kol Nidrei, however, isn’t found in the Talmud. Rambam doesn’t mention it. Kol Nidrei, literally “all my vows,” is a legal formula to release us from promises we made but cannot keep, and a controversial one at that. Authorities questioned whether the formula works altogether. Over the generations, attempts to correct the language of Kol Nidrei ran into opposition from the cantors. They refused any edits since the proposed revisions did not fit with the traditional melody. The words may not be accurate, but the tune abides.

While we have evidence that Kol Nidrei has been recited for well over a thousand years, some of the Geonim opposed its recitation entirely. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch went so far as to eliminate Kol Nidrei from his synagogue in 1839. It lasted one year. The following Yom Kippur, he restored it.

You don't mess with Kol Nidrei.

Eventually, the Aruch HaShulchan wrote that Kol Nidrei had essentially become a tefillah, a prayer like other prayers. It might work to annul vows; it might not work. It’s a prayer, and we say it.

Why do we feel so connected to Kol Nidrei?

Kol Nidrei expresses what Yom Kippur is all about. We want to be released. Not released from our responsibilities or promises that we can keep. Released from the mistakes and baggage that have accumulated over the past year. Released from the things we have done that don't reflect who we really are.

We usually translate teshuva as repentance, but the word literally means return. What are we returning to? We try to return to God. We attempt to return our relationships to a better place. We are also returning to ourselves.

The Torah describes Yom Kippur as “achat ba-shanah - once a year.” Once a year, the Kohen Gadol entered the Kodesh HaKodashim, the Holy of Holies. No one else could enter that space, and even the Kohen Gadol could enter only on Yom Kippur.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe explained that our Yom Kippur experience parallels that of the Kohen Gadol. Each of us has an inner Kodesh HaKodashim, a place deep within the soul that remains pure and connected to Hashem. Most of the year, it can be difficult to access. Once a year, on Yom Kippur, we are given special access to the deepest part of ourselves. Once a year, we can be who we really want to be.

The Rambam famously discusses a man who is obligated by Jewish law to give his wife a get but refuses. The court can pressure him until he says, “Rotzeh ani - I want to.” Is this truly his own free will after being forced? The Rambam explains that deep down, a Jew wants to do the right thing. There are other impulses that get in the way. Sometimes our true will is buried beneath anger, ego, or stubbornness, but these external factors don't create a new will.

Rotzeh ani. This is what I really want. This is who I really am.

Rabbi Baruch Oberlander relates that a Jew once confided to the Lubavitcher Rebbe that he felt like a hypocrite going to shul on Yom Kippur when he didn't attend during the rest of the year. The Rebbe turned the question around. The most natural place for a Jew on Yom Kippur is in shul. “You're not a hypocrite when you go to shul on Yom Kippur,” he told him. “You're a hypocrite, perhaps, when you don't go to shul the rest of the year!”

Which version is the real you? The person standing in shul on Yom Kippur asking Hashem for forgiveness or the person who sometimes acts in ways that contradict everything he believes? Yom Kippur says: Don't underestimate the person standing in shul.

That may be why Kol Nidrei has such a hold on the Jewish communal consciousness. We may not know what the words mean. Even if we read the translation, we may not understand the laws of vows. Reciting Kol Nidrei may not even technically work! But we hear the melody, take in the experience, and understand what it feels like to want to start again.

Kol Nidrei gives voice to the deepest desire of Yom Kippur: Release me from what I have allowed myself to become. Let me get past the promises I didn't keep and the mistakes I made. Let me get back to the person I know I can be.

Achat ba-shanah. Once a year, we have an opportunity to go lifnai v'lifnim, more deeply inside ourselves and our souls. We encounter the person we really are and the person we still want to become. Rotzeh ani. This is who I really want to be.

On Yom Kippur, we meet the most genuine version of ourselves. The rest of the year is our chance to become that person.