The Power to Forgive & of Being Forgiven

Iris Haim whose son Yotam was mistakenly killed by IDF troops, meets a soldier from the battalion involved in the shooting

It is a heartbreaking story that kept getting even worse.

Last Friday night, IDF troops mistakenly identified three Israeli hostages in northern Gaza’s Shejaiya neighborhood as a threat and opened fire at them, killing them - Yotam Haim, who was abducted by Hamas, Samar Fouad Talalka, and Alon Shamriz. Details emerge of the three emerging from a building with hands up and a makeshift white flag. The IDF quickly took responsibility for the proper conduct not being followed, but that can be little consolation.

As if this nightmare isn’t enough, we find out that the men, who escaped their captors and had even written out a sign in Hebrew identifying themselves. To twist the knife even more, one of the IDF dogs from its canine unit encountered the men several days earlier, but none of this information made it to the soldiers in the field. So close to freedom, yet, instead, a tragedy of immense proportions impacting the lives of so many.

I cannot even imagine the pain and suffering of the families of those killed. I cannot imagine the anguish, guilt, and trauma felt by the soldiers who pulled the trigger. “Ein millim.” There are no words or rationales or explanations that can come close to making sense of any of this. There is no “normal” response.

And yet…a message of strength, love, and forgiveness.

Iris Haim, Yotam’s mother, sent a voice message to the soldiers involved. (You can listen HERE.)

“This is Iris Haim. I am Yotam’s mother. I wanted to tell you that I love you very much, and I hug you here from afar. I know that everything that happened is absolutely not your fault, and nobody’s fault except that of Hamas, may their name be wiped out and their memory erased from the earth.

I want you to look after yourselves and to think all the time that you are doing the best thing in the world, the best thing that could happen, that could help us. Because all the people of Israel and all of us need you healthy. And don’t hesitate for a second if you see a terrorist. Don’t think that you killed a hostage deliberately. You have to look after yourselves because only that way can you look after us.

At the first opportunity, you are invited to come to us, whoever wants to. And we want to see you with our own eyes and hug you and tell you that what you did — however hard it is to say this, and sad — it was apparently the right thing at that moment. And nobody’s going to judge you or be angry. Not me, and not my husband Raviv. Not my daughter Noya. And not Yotam, may his memory be blessed. And not Tuval, Yotam’s brother. We love you very much. And that is all.”

That is all? That is a lot.

On Thursday, one of the soldiers involved from the Bislamach Brigade’s 17th Battalion, paid a visit to Iris Haim. He said, “We received your message, and since then we have been able to function again. Before that we had shut down.” Iris replied, “Amazing, that’s what I wanted” and offered more moral support to the soldiers if needed.

The episode is so dark and sad, yet, at the same time, there is postscript of “don’t be so sad that you cannot go on.” The first person to relay this message was Yosef. (Bereishit 45:2-5)

When Yosef revealed himself to his brothers, he cries out, “I am Yosef!” His brothers are speechless and shrink back from before him. Yosef realizes he may have come on too strong and starts again. He says more gently, “Come close.” The brothers warily come forward. Yosef begins again, “I am your brother Yosef who sold to Egypt.” Appreciating their shock, pain, and guilt, he adds, “Don’t be sad or angry with yourselves for selling me. God intended this to work out so I can save your lives.”

When confronted with their terrible behavior, the brothers could easily fall prey to their guilt or recriminations. Yosef came to forgive the unforgiveable and provide encouragement to move ahead to the next chapter.

What about us? We’re spectators to the tragedy of the Israeli hostages killed by soldiers. We can empathize with the pain and anger that all involved are feeling. For me, the strength of Iris Haim’s capacity to move forward while, at the same time, showing such love for those she had every right to hate is inspiring. Her words echoed Yosef’s simple admonition to his brothers, “al tei’atzvu – don’t be sad.”  

We have the ability – through a word or an arm over the shoulder - to heal, help, or even bring people back to life.