How Are You?

It’s a very common question.

We see someone, we ask, “How are you?” It’s innocent, simple, not overly intrusive. It can be answered pretty easily.

I remember a rabbi in my Yeshiva in Israel relished teaching students a lesson with this question. He would ask a student, “How are you?” The good yeshiva bachur would answer, “Baruch Hashem, thank God.” The rabbi would pounce and say, “I didn’t ask about the state of your belief. I asked how you are.”

In a way, “How are you?” simply fills space. One journalist described them as “the three most useless words in the world of communication. The person asking doesn’t really want to know, and the person responding doesn’t tell the truth.” We can do better if we want to make small talk. We can open with questions like “What’s your current state of mind?” or “What are you looking forward to this week?”

These days “How are you?” is a loaded question. Many people are not fine. Is it OK to be fine?

Sivan Rahav Meir mentioned a fascinating and deep approach to this question in the name of Rabbi Yoram Eliyahu, whose son Yedidya Eliyahu, z”l, fell in Gaza. Whoever asks him “How are you?” receives the following answer: “Learning. We are learning.”

Rahav Meir writes, “In my view, this answer is most profound. It’s about being broken and shaken, yet accepting the challenge of life as it goes on. It’s about learning how to digest and cope with what happened and the obligation to see what all of this can teach us.”

How are you? We might answer “fine” or “Baruch Hashem,” but the question allows us to evaluate where we stand right now and how this stage is part of a continuum. How am I? I can say fine because that is how I am trying to feel or how I will feel once I make it through the pain or the challenging times.

Have you heard of PTG? It stands for post-traumatic growth. Traumatic experiences can lead to stress. They can also lead to growth.

Developed in the mid-1990s by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, Ph.D., and Lawrence Calhoun Ph.D., post-traumatic growth theory is defined as, “the experience of positive change that occurs as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life crises.”

Everyone will deal with struggles and traumatic experiences in their own way. At the same time, there is an opportunity to grow from the pain. As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

One example of PTG that has been analyzed is Kay Wilson. Kay struggled to make her way through a Jerusalem forest after being repeatedly stabbed by a Palestinian terrorist. She distracted herself from her agony by playing the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in her mind. Wilson, then 46, had been working as a tour guide when, on Dec. 18, 2010, she and a friend were ambushed by terrorists. Wilson witnessed her friend's murder and was herself viciously stabbed with a machete, ultimately playing dead as her attacker plunged his knife into her chest one final time. She eventually recovered from her severe physical wounds and is healing from her psychological trauma. She now speaks to global audiences about her survival, hoping to "dispel hatred, whether toward Arabs or Jews."

As Lorna Collier notes, “After the attack, Wilson had flashbacks and deep survivor's guilt. But like many people who have survived trauma, she has found positive change as well—a new appreciation for life, a newfound sense of personal strength and a new focus on helping others.”

I think of this automatic “How are you? Fine” dynamic a lot with regards to the situation in Israel and particularly the plight of the hostages. “How are you?” has got to be the most loaded question to ask anyone in Israel today. And yet…Many will respond “Fine” before stopping themselves to add an understandable qualifier.

The same is true with the horrific and painful hostage reality. What can we do? We can daven and maintain awareness. This morning, I attended the rally in Manhattan marking 100 days of captivity. I joined the Ramaz Minyan, which ended in a circle with songs of hope, strength, and unity. There was a nice showing that filled East 47^th Street between Second and First Avenues – including a nice number of Atlantic Beach faces. Each of us there amplified the demand to release the hostages and bring them home now. Did we accomplish anything? How was it? Fine. Those who attended, those who daven daily, those who wear the hostage “dog tags” or display the number of days in captivity are striving to do something that can make a difference. We want to move beyond this nightmare. At the same time, we want to do something – anything – to be connected with the families and take any action in which we can share their pain.

I think there is a similar motivation behind all the duffel bags sent or meals cooked or any of the actions – large or small – we are all taking on behalf of the soldiers and citizens of Israel. We want to transcend the feelings of pain and helplessness. “How are we?” We will be fine.

I will likely keep using “How are you?” as a default opener. (Yes, I will try to be more interesting or profound, but it’s just so easy.) I will try, however, to use the question – as well as my answer – as a chance to grow. Whatever the situation is right now, it can change. I can make it change by learning something new, by trying something different, by doing something – no matter how small – to make the situation better.

Last week, as the Egyptian slavery began, we read the famous verse (Shemot 1:12): “The more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and spread.” May the difficulties we face today provide opportunities for explosive growth, improvement, and enlightenment, and may we – like our ancestors in Egypt - merit a sense of redemption.